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15 Family Living Heading off family conflicts during the holidays By Bev Bennett E ven in the most uneventful political times, sharing the holidays with family members can be fraught with danger if you disagree with loved ones on key values, or you're still pegged in a childhood role and aren't appreciated as a mature adult. But you don't have to live through another "Groundhog Day" experience, say family therapists. You have the ability to improve interactions with your family by changing the way you react, says Karen Krefman, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Northwestern University's Family Institute in Chicago. Be the change Begin by changing your mindset and attitude about any upcoming gatherings, says Krefman. You can remind yourself of the qualities you value in your loved ones, concentrate on pleasurable aspects of your shared history, and make a vow to avoid abrasive topics, suggests Linda Enders, professor emeritus in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Alabama-Tuscaloosa. In addition, don't go in with any expectations that family members will transform into the people you want them to be. Instead, work on loving and accepting them for who they are, says Caroline Boxmeyer, a clinical psychologist and associate professor with the University of Alabama-Tuscaloosa. Making it work When you do get together over the holidays, says Krefman, make a fresh start with an open mind, listen deeply to what others are saying, and show curiosity about what they're doing. If conversations become upsetting, you can change the subject in a positive way by explaining that your relationship is too important to talk about differences, recommends Enders. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome of your new approach: "Doing things differently can't help but lead to a different response," she says. Creating positive rituals can help families enjoy each other's company more, says Caroline Boxmeyer, a clinical psychologist in Alabama. Here are her suggestions: Do something active as a family, such as taking a walk or playing soccer. Go around the table and have each family member share something he or she is grateful for. Write down each comment on a separate piece of paper and hang on a "Thanksgiving Tree." Write open-ended conversation starters on paper strips, put them in a bowl and take turns drawing strips. Topics can include a favorite family memory or what you'd do if you won a million dollars. Create a fun dress code for the gathering, such as tacky sweaters or mismatched socks. Organize a service project as part of your family celebration, like dishing up food at a shelter or buying presents for a family in need. After you find one or two activities that everyone enjoys, repeat them every year so they're anticipated with pleasure, adds Boxmeyer. TO CONNECT WITH YOUR RELATIVES 5 WAYS 5 4 3 2 1