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F A M I L Y S T Y L E
SHUTTERSTOCK
and agreeing on what its success will look like.
Houston-based psychologist James H. Bray agrees that
putting together a specific plan is key. A 10-year research
study he conducted from 1985 to 1995 found that
successful blended families agreed up front on financial
and living arrangements, what roles each stepparent
would play in raising the new spouse's children, and how
they would resolve feelings about previous marriages and
commit to working on making sure that the new marriage
was a good strong one.
It's particularly important, says Bray, for the couple to
make priority time for one another in the form of regular
"dates" or getaways without the children. "If the adults
aren't happy, and their needs for companionship and the
love they want are not getting met, it's much harder to
work out the complicated parenting issues that blended
families can bring up," he explains.
•
I
f you and your new partner have dreams of a
"Brady Bunch" family but the reality is more like
"Dallas," take heart, say the experts. Uniting children
from new spouses' previous relationships is much
easier if adults and kids alike stay focused on one
thing: acceptance.
Whether new stepparents and stepsiblings come
from a completely different background and culture or
just have different ways of thinking and doing things, the
reality is that everyone has to adapt.
APPRECIATING EACH OTHER
"The most important thing to make a blended family
work is to make sure that everyone feels celebrated for
who they are," says Sean Cort, author of "The Power
of Perspective" (Xulon Press, 2009). "When people feel
appreciated, they are free to be accepting and giving."
Cort knows of what he speaks: The Caribbean-
born minister and father of two boys, who was raised
Pentecostal in Queens, N.Y., married a Catholic Polish
woman from the Chicago suburbs who has a daughter
from a previous marriage. "Differences can be what
people see, and it takes a while to get past that and have
the maturity to meet people where they are," he says.
THE PLAN'S THE THING
Cort likens a blended family to bringing together
two nations or two companies to "a merger of major
proportions," he says. Families who merge must create
"mission statements" and plans for what daily life will look
like, says Cort, in addition to committing to the merger
YOURS,
MINE &
OURS:
Making a blended
family work
By Stephanie Thompson
Find out more > > >
For more information about dealing with the many issues that
blended families confront, try these resources:
• The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
www.theblendedandstepfamilyresourcecenter.com
• The Family Norm blog
Thefamilynorm.com
• "The Blend"
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